A visit home...

Every time Eric had to go beyond the wall, he was always less talkative than usual. And far more passionate. Sinbad learnt to understand with just one look if the male was going on such kind of missions: he could read that on his face. He looked tense, nervous, he didn’t care for drinking and chatting, he always just left his horse in the stable and waited for Sinbad in a room. Trying to question him in those moments was absolutely useless, not only cause he wouldn’t answer but also cause, if Sinbad wasn’t the one to start, it was Eric who started kissing and touching the male… and, well, Sinbad wasn’t very good at resisting, especially since such demonstrations of affection were pretty rare starting from Eric.
When the situation was such, they always spent hours just making love, roughly, passionately, ending up spent, panting side by side in bed. At that point Sinbad always tried to ask some question but Eric always avoided them and either managed to make Sinbad talk about himself or just started pleasuring the male again. There was no explanation, no warning, he would only say “Next time will be in a while, I have a mission” but nothing more. That made Sinbad go nuts, they even fought often over it, but in the end he simply didn’t mange to change that little routine.

Their meetings when he was back were another sort of ritual: Eric was always deadly tired after being beyond the wall, Sinbad suspected he barely waited a few hours after he was back in Castle Black to ride to him. Even in this case, there was no drinking or chatting in the tavern, it was straight to the bedroom, but differently from when he had to go beyond the wall, moments when Eric was terribly passionate. When he came back he was more cuddly. He was always so tired, covered in new scars, sometimes even open wounds, and Sinbad could read the fear and the pain in his eyes.
In those occasions, Sinbad was always gentler, he spent more time cuddling him than actually having sex, and then they made love tenderly, softly. Every time, when they had fallen asleep after, he could hear Eric moan in his sleep, hunted by nightmares. Sinbad would always hug him and keep him in his arms, and that always worked to calm him down. Sinbad suspected Eric wanted to come so early to see him after every mission beyond the wall because of those nightmares, because of his inability to defeat them on his own…
When he was back from the wall, Eric always took some extra day to spend with Sinbad, and in this way the male could finally manage to get some answers to his questions, even if not many. Eric would tell him something about the mission, some details, but never much and for many question Eric’s answer was a simple “you don’t wanna know.”
Sinbad feared he was right. He didn’t really want to know. He wouldn’t have been able to let him go again if he knew the dangers that waited for him beyond the wall, even as the situation was it was hard not to kidnap him against his will and take him somewhere safe… But Eric would have hated him for that…

When that day Eric arrived and didn’t even stop to talk in the tavern, Sinbad was sure he knew what was going on, and he wasn’t even in the mood to fight it. He joined Eric in the room, ready to play along, and when Eric didn’t make the first step Sinbad approached him and started nibbling on his ear, while his hands worked their ways toward the boys pants. He was fairly surprised when Eric pushed him away with a weak “No, not now…”
“What do you mean not now?” for a moment, he felt clueless. All the hints pointed in one direction, why was he stopping him now?
“I just meant not now, Sinbad. I’m not in the mood.” Eric’s irritated answer started angering Sinbad: he fought hard against his instincts not to cheat on Eric, considering it worth it, but then the other male would act like that? He was ready to give the male some really bad answer and either convince him to bed or start a proper fight when he took a better look at Eric: he was pale, more anxious than usual, his hands were slightly shaking and he had difficulties staying still. Sinbad’s anger was gone within a second
“Eric what’s wrong?”
“Nothing…”
Sinbad immediately rolled his eyes: he knew that such answers from the male always meant that something was bothering him. Honestly, he could be worse than a woman…
“Eric…”
“I mean it!” Eric interrupted him before Sinbad could start getting upset “Nothing’s wrong, it’s just… my family wants to see me.”
Silence followed. Sinbad wasn’t sure he had understood correctly. Eric hadn’t heard a word from his family since he had joined the watch, more than 3 years before. They had abandoned him, treated him like he was nothing to them. Sinbad had never met them, but he felt toward them, all of them, a burning rage.
“Your… family?”
Eric nodded without a word
“What do they want?”
“I don’t know…”
Eric was looking down, avoiding any eye contact, but even like that Sinbad could see his bewilderment. He was lost, confused, scared… but what else could they do to him? They had already rejected him, and in a fairly brutal way…
“You don’t have to see them if you don’t want to…”
“Of course I have to!” Eric surpassed SInbad and started walking up and down the room, passing a hand on his head looking absolutely desperate and terribly torn. “Beside… I…I do wanna see them… I think…”
“Why? So they can send you once more to fuck off somewhere far away from them?” Sinbad regret saying that immediately after, no matter what he thought of Eric’s family, for some weird reason he loved them and Sinbad didn’t want to hurt him.
“Cause they are my family, Sinbad” Eric groaned in frustration, still up and down “And I haven’t seen them in three years!” finally Eric sopped in the center of the room, he was slightly shaking. “and I missed them…” he added in a lower tone.
“What if they decided to forgive me?” as he rose his glance toward Sinbad, the male could see in Eric’s eyes all his fear, but also all his hope. And it was evident what he wanted, even if he feared saying that out loud: he hoped they would take him back, he hoped to leave the watch, to have a second chance…
It pained SInbad to see how the boy’s family was playing with his feelings, but he didn’t know what to answer. In the end he shrugged
“I guess you just have to go and see…”
Eric seemed so fragile in that moment, anxiety was devouring him. Sinbad covered the distance between them and hugged him tight. He could feel Eric’s tense muscles relax, even if just slightly, under his touch, and after a short bit he felt the male slowly hugging him back, while resting is forehead on his shoulder.
Sinbad sighed, he knew there was no way he could put Eric in the mood now… dammit…
“You know what? Thinking about it won’t help a bit, if you don’t wanna have sex then let’s get us a good beer”
Eric smiled slightly… he wasn’t in the mood for such a thing either, but he didn’t feel like saying no twice so he simply nodded and followed quietly Sinbad who dragged him out of the room.

Sinbad decided to wait for Eric at the tavern: he knew he would have to go back to the wall soon, and he had the feeling that he would be needed on Eric’s way back.
To his sorrow, he was right.
Once again, Eric put the horse in the stable and went directly to the bedroom. He didn’t even turn toward the other male.
Sinbad reached him in the room, approaching him silently: he was sitting on the bed, legs spread, keeping his head between his hands.
“Sorry, I’m tired. I just want to go to bed”
“I just wanted to know how you are doing…” Sinbad replied in a quiet tone to Eric’s flat phrase. He didn’t move from his position.
“Just tired.”
“Eric…” Sinbad started talking, placing a hand on Eric’s shoulder, but the male wriggled away from his touch interrupting him.
“No. Don’t.”
Sinbad sighed and sat down on the bed, not far from Eric. He stayed quiet, waiting for his so complex partner to decide to talk. It worked.
“They did forgive me.” he finally said after a long silence.
Sinbad was taken aback “That’s… that’s great, isn’t it? Wasn’t that what you wanted?”
“But I’m still a crow.”
Sinbad could feel all his pain as he said so.
“Eric…I’m sorry… ” he tried to reach for him once again and this time Eric didn’t move, even if he felt him stiffening.
“I’m an idiot…” Sinbad could hear him say in a whisper “You know, I actually… I actually hoped that they would want me back, that they wanted to put the past behind, that they wanted to give me a second chance! I believed that things could change! I believed I could go home! Home! I haven’t seen my own home in three years!” Eric rose his head, but he didn’t turn toward Sinbad, he simply stared at the void in front of him. “They… acted like nothing changed, like everything it’s ok. Like going on the wall was my choice BUT IT WAS NOT MY CHOICE. I WAS SEVENTEEN AND IT WAS JUST A STUPID MISTAKE!” as Eric started yelling, he just couldn’t handle staying still anymore. He stood up, letting Sinbad’s hand fall from his shoulder, and he started walking up and down the room, passing a hand between his hair. As he stopped in the middle of the room, he was slightly shaking. “This whole time I felt like they were punishing me, like I would go back at some point, but…” Eric stopped and covered his face with a hand.
Sinbad had been quiet, not knowing what to say, but as he saw the male breaking down he immediately jumped up on his feet and wrapped him in his arms.
Eric hugged him back, clinging to him like he was his last barrier against madness, hiding his head between SInbad’s shoulder and his throat. As Sinbad started caressing his hair, he could feel the other male sobbing quietly, wetting his shirt. Sinbad didn’t care, it only pained him to see Eric like that.
He kept caressing Eric for a long time, until he started calming down. He didn’t know what else he could do.
“You know what? Fuck your family. Fuck the crows. Let’s leave: we’ll take a ship to Essos and we’ll start a new life there. Just you and me.”
He didn’t even know if he was serious or not in that moment, but he realized it worked a bit to cheer Eric up. As the guy stood, he could see the hint of a smile on his lips
“That would be lovely…”
“It will be. We’re going first thing in the morning.”
Sinbad could read on Eric’s face that, after such an outburst of emotions, he was deadly tired: he helped him toward the bed while he kept saying how great Essos would be for them. Eric fell asleep in his arms, with a little smile on his lips and traces of tears next to his eyes.

The following morning, when Sinbad woke up, Eric was already getting ready to leave. He didn’t bring back the discussion about Essos, after all if Eric was preparing to leave his choice was evident and he still didn’t know if he actually meant it. Beside, it served its purpose, Eric was feeling better.
Even if so, Sinbad rode with Eric for quite a while, refusing to leave the guy’s side until they were close to Castle Black, fearing he would break down again.